This
is a long overdue post, but whoever said better never than late is a sore
loser.
It
is that time of the month, er, year. The buses are fully booked, and even
Channia express has the guts to charge 1500-plus from Nairobi to Msa, up from
800 bob. By 24th Dec, it will be cheaper to fly to Mombasa!
Yes,
many a Nairobian ‘worth his salt’, and those who have mastered the craft of
saving, are headed down to Pwani for Xmas. It is a yearly phenomenon; much like
the wildebeest migration. In Dec, people from the Coast head upcountry for
xmas, while Nairobians and ‘others’ head down under. Little wonder then , that
Onyango from Buruburu will be at the Kenyatta public beach, his preferred
getaway, only to realize that Njoro the guy from the local is also there,
snuggling with Hadija Waithera, and four other watu wa chama pia wako area!
Nairobi essentially relocates to Mombasa at this time! Wanna try Mfangano
Island?
But
that’s beside the point! There is this group of people who will be coming to Mombasa
si Pwani for the first time. These are the people this script is meant for. If
you have never been to Mombasa, here is a quick guide on the places u might
wanna visit, and a few do’s and don’ts. I have been resident here barely four
months, so I am not an expert yet, but what the heck, this is only an
introduction!
Here
goes:
1.
Bella Vista: This is where 97% of party poopers, er, goers from Nairobi
frequent. Don’t be surprised to find that ka-regular from Betty’s and Tribeka
here, coz he/she too will be told about Bella Vista. It is located just off Moi
Avenue, next to the famous Elephant Tusks where shagzmodos take pictures as
proof that ‘nilikuwa Coast’ ( Pembeni is to Mombasa what KICC is to Nairobi,
but without hovering photographers). Bella Vista has VERY GOOD music. DJ
Bunduki is special.
2.
Casablanca: If Bella Vista is the Baptism, Casablanca will be your official initiation. The two
locations are only a 50-bob tuk tuk away. Casablanca comes with its unfair
share of twilight ladies, who will stare you into submission. If you are the
weak type, chapa chupa mbili kisha uhepe, ama utabeba! But the real secret of
Casablanca is not the main bar, it is the inner Casanova Bar. For an extra 300
bob, strippers await you in Casanova. Another 300bob will usher you into
Casanova’s V.I.P. section. And another 3000bob will lead you to a
bunny-ranch-ish dungeon. Watch out for
their live show, which starts at about 2.00AM. That show is TRULY LIVE. No
further details, I’m sure some kids are reading.
3.
Bobs: Oh, Bobs. This is the after-party after the Party. Once you do
Bella and Casa in town, take a mat to Bob’s. Taxis are so unused in Mombasa. It’s
another popular joint, frequented by both Nairobians and (Mombasanians?). By
day it is a gated parking lot, by night it is a banging club. It’s a Party in a
Car Park. It’s main advantage is the open-air setting which enables lots of
natural air circulation, which is welcoming in the unforgiving heat. But if it rains, you are doomed. Bobs
comes with an extra pub, Murphy’s, complete with a separate DJ. The slightly more
mature Bobs patrons and slightly more expensive escorts frequent that place.
That essentially is the essential A-B-C of Partying.
But here are extras to sample.
4.
MTWAPA: You have never really gone to Mombasa if you haven’t been to
Mtwapa. Mtwapa is essentially a collection of all cadres of clubs, pubs and
brothels, rudely interrupted by other businesses to make up the township.
Mtwapa is also probably the residence of choice for the Many Hadija Wairimus
and Fatuma Anyangos of Mombasa. You know what I mean. If you don’t, ask a friend.
Highlights of Mtwapa are;
a.
Club Lambada: A club that flatters to deceive. It’s like Arsenal. One
day it’s off the hook, the next it’s a staggering disappointment. Its main
attraction is the swimming pool, from where the resident DJ spins (cool, huh?)
and where the clubs holds the climax of its midnight cabaret show. Those ladies can tease in the water!
b.
Casuarina: The population of Hoes to Patrons is 7 to 1. Need I say
more?
c.
Lollipop. The first thing you see when you step in is a horde of
very-nearly-naked women doing bad things to a pole. Its compact size makes it
look like 3D.
d.
Every 5 metres is a kibanda that plays exlusive music, from Rhumba to
Ohangla to Kilunda.
5.
Kahama: If you love Sports, watch it in Kahama. It is located along the
Nyali-Mtwapa Road. Extra large screens which can air nearly 6 different matches
at a time. So even if Man U, Arsenal Man City and Chelsea are all playing at
once, Liverpool fans will still get to watch their match.
THE following hangouts are recommended for persons who
want to enjoy their drinks without annoying riff-raffs and under-18s spoiling
the moment.
6.
Sheba: Located at the Nakumatt Nyali building. Rooftop. Entrance mostly
1000bob. Its redeemable, but the charge alone keeps off wasee wa mtaa na watoi
(pun intended).
7.
Lounge: Same building as Sheba, but ground floor. No charges, but for
some reason only mature peeps are found there. Love it.
8.
Il Covo: Beach bar after Kahamas. Play mostly Techno and Urban Music.
Do not go there expecting to listen to akina Nazidi Kuwapa Vidonge. You will be disappointed
9.
Noons: Right inside Nyali Beach Hotel. In Nyali, of course. Very
Classy. Frequented by Wazungus. Enuff Said.
And
finally…
10.
Kenyatta Beach, or Pirates. It’s a beach. Frolic and drink the salty, frequently
peed on water. It’s good for your skin.
11.
Mama Ngina Park. Mombasa’s Uhuru Park. It’s by the Ferry. You can go
there when you are finally broke and waiting to go back home. Located next to
the ferry, you can while away the time watching ships come and go across the
channel.
This
list is not exhaustive, I have not even touched South Coast with its Shakatak
and Fourty Thieves in Ukunda. But it should get you started.
And
now, the basic dos and Don’ts
DO
-
Carry a cartful of money. Nearly every club here charges entrance fees. Charges
from 200bob upwards peak. If you club-hop, you might just spend almost 2K just
entering clubs. Make that 5k if you are the ‘sponsor’. And you haven’t even
started drinking!
-
Carry your swim-suit or that huge kaptula you sleep in for the beach. Nothing
is as idiotic as walking along the beach with your tight jeans folded up your
lower knee. Priss, styre up! You may also choose to hire those swimsuits, which
everyone else has worn, from the beach operators. Afterwards see your
dermatologist just to make sure.
-
Book your ride back before you travel. Pesa itaisha Mombasa na hauna doo ya
kurudi. Aibu ndogo ndogo nayo!
-
Buy and carry your condoms, if you must do it. For some reason getaways to
Mombasa also mean lots of casual sex. And Mombasa is sex waiting to happen
everywhere you go. But u wanna go back home healthy, no?
DON’T
-
Chips funga, if you have no extra change. In Mombasa, unofficial opinion
polls reveal that at least 60% of ladies in the nightspots are selling- from
Bella to Bobs to Mtwapa. Casablanca and Casuarina probably stands at 99.8 %.
Listen, if there’s a stranger willing to go with you to your kichinjio, chances
are he/she will charge you. This is not Betty’s or Hearts, the ladies here are
not worth just three Smirnoff Ice...
-
Go with a beach-boy too far in the waters ‘ati anakufunza
ku-swim”. Legend has it that some
beach boys will lead unsuspecting ladies deep into the ocean in the pretext of
quick swimming lessons. When you go that far, they will threaten to leave u to
drown if you don’t push aside your bikini for ‘access’. He will do his thing as
you hang on to him helplessly, then guide you to a crowded spot and swim under
to the other end. Utado? Avoid this scenario. Always be with a friend, and don’t
go too far if you cant swim alone.
Mombasa Yapapasa, Mombasa ina anasa. Have fun, but
be safe.
Happy holidays. E&OE.
@FerdyOmondi
