THE PARLIAMENTARY DEBATE THAT NEVER WAS

QUESTIONS BY PRIVATE NOTICE
THREAT BY SPECIAL PROGRAMS MINISTER ESTHER MURUGI TO STRIP NAKED



Mr. Shabeer: Mr Speaker, I beg to ask the Justice Minister the following question by Private Notice.
(a)
Why hasn't the Special Programmes minister been compelled to strip naked as she promised
(b) If she wont do it, why has she not been arrested for giving false information and misleading Kenyans?

Justice Minister Mutula Kilonzo: Mr Speaker, Sir, I beg to reply. As we all know, the honorable Minister For Special programs promised, or threatened if you like, to strip naked if the ICC confirmed criminal charges against Uhuru Kenyatta. Well, the ICC called her bluff and did exactly that. But it has only been a week. I propose we give her one more week to see whether she will come good....

Mr Khalwale: On a point of order, Mr Speaker.

Speaker: What is it, member for Ikolomani?

Mr Khalwale: Is the minister in order to give Esther Special treatment in the house? it is not like the ICC will reverse the decisions.

Mr Khalwale: Order, Mr Khalwale! The ICC may in fact reverse the decisions. The member for Gatundu South has indicated that he will appeal the decision to confirm the charges.

Mr Khalwale: Mr Speaker Sir, to end impunity in this country, Murugi must strip. To teach other loose-mouths in the government a lesson, Murugi must strip. to reassure the public who were misdirected into buying big-screens for the strip-tease without adequate information, Murugi must strip!
Speaker: Order, Member for Ikolomani! Proceed, minister for Justice.


Mr Kilonzo: As I was saying, Murugi should be given one more week to come good, failure to which I will appeal to the President to appoint a tribunal to investigate her conduct.

Health Minister Prof. Anyang' Nyong'o: May I ask what measures the government has put in place to ensure that the health of Kenyans is not compromised if and when the Member for Mathenge decides to strip? Kenyans could get traumatized....

Speaker: Order, honorable minister! You are the minister for Health, and indeed an integral part of the government structure, shouldn't you be asking yourself that question ?

Medical Services Minister Beth Mugo: Mr, speaker, I have put all government ambulances and and clinical officers on standby, should the people of Kenya get shocked by the sight of her nakedness, and in case some Kenyans faint in the process.

Finance Minister Uhuru Kenyatta: My ministry has also dispatched 12.5 million shillings to Murugi's Ministry. As the minister in charge of Special programs, she has initiated an operation-badilisha-wardrobe for her naked stunt. Mr Speaker, we have approved her proposal to overhaul her underwear. She shall replace her old Mothers' Union panties with sexy lingerie, at a cost of 400 000 shillings per g-string.

(applause)

Karua: On a point of order, Mr Speaker.
Speaker: What is it, member for Gichugu?
Karua: Mr Speaker, is the Finance Minister in order to use public funds to overhaul the wardrobe of a Murugi? This is a private affair!

Odhiambo: we also have our privates....
Speaker: Order! Order honorable Millie, you are out of order! Minister for Finance, you may proceed.

Kenyatta: Mr Speaker, the Honorable Murugi is a government minister. she represents the image of the government. therefore, her actions are a direct influence on the government's image and the government must take responsibility and act decisively.

Speaker: Is 12.5 million decisive enough? I though the government would be more sufficiently philanthropic.

Kenyatta: I have also set aside 5 million shillings for the hire of a secure and decent place for her to strip. Mr Speaker, we propose that Murugi conducts her strip-tease in Liddos' Discotheque, to be aired live on KBC. We have also contacted a popular porn website (name withheld) for space...

(uproar)

Speaker: Order! Order honorable Members! Can we please calm down and air our views one by one. Member for Ugenya, what is your problem?

Orengo: Mr Speaker, this is an outrage! ODM was never consulted in this matter. PNU must recognize that we are equal partners in the coalition. This is very disrespectful.

Mr. Musyoka: Will I be in order to ask for funds for round 3 of shuttle diplomacy? The international community needs convincing that this is indeed a noble act and not in any way meant to spite the ICC...

Speaker: Mr Vice President, that will not be in order. You will need to file a motion to ask for funding.

Khalwale: And how did the Finance Minister arrive at the decision to award Liddos the lucrative contract? How was the tendering done? What is the problem with other strip-clubs, for example Apple Bees or Tahiti?

Kajwang: Yes, Mr Speaker, there is no strip-o-meter! How did he arrive at the conclusion that Liddos is the best place to strip?

Kenyatta: Mr Speaker, this is an emergency. A special program. Tendering will take weeks, within which time she may be arrested for providing false information.

Mbuvi: Point of order, Mr Speaker.
Speaker: Yes, Member for Makadara?

Mbuvi: Ni aje vijanaa hawako kwa hii plot. Manze mkibuy mangodha za ngiri soo nne bila kuinclude vijanaa kwa mpango, hizo ngodha tutachoma! Vijanaa ndio majority, tunajua kustrip poa baada ua kupractise na zile song ya bend-over, get down, wezere, kila siku wasee kuchips-fungana kwa club, twitter na Facebook, experience tuko nayo kushinda wazae despite age yetu....
Speaker: Order, member for for Makadara! A point of order is not a debate!

Bifwoli: Endi why has chender palance noti peen consiteret in this tepate! iko wanaume wengi wanawesa kutoa suruali pwana!

(laughter)

Speaker: Order! Order, honorable members! Member for Bumula, you are out of order! You know the standing orders well, at this juncture you can only speak on a point of order or point of information. No one gave you permission to speak.

Bifwoli: I am chust tellingi the truth. Hata sisi wanaume tunawesa kutoanga suruali. Wakoli Bifwoli can also wear underwear worth 400 000. Mupunge msima kama mimi hawesi shinda amefaa kaptula za Gikomba! Hata uchi nitatembea, kwansa nimenyoeko....

(loud laughter....applause)

Speaker: Order! Order member for Bumula! You are out of Order!

Bifwoli: In facti nikisimama uchi, na Muruki asimame uchi apo kando, am sure nitapendeseko kumshinda.

(more laughter and applause)

Speaker: Order! Order Honorable members, order! member for Bumula, you have gone too far. That's it. I order you to leave the floor of the House immediately. Sergeant at Arms, could you please escort Wakoli Bifwoli out of this House!

Bifwoli: (walking out) Uuuuuwi! Uuuuuwi! Marende Pooole! Pole! Marende is a tikteta!!!




LATER THAT NIGHT ON PRIME TIME NEWS.....

Anchor 1. And so, on our opinion question tonight, we ask:
Anchor 2. Should Esther Murugi strip naked? I repeat, should Esther Murugi Strip naked?
Anchor 2. SMS your yes or no opinion to 6-BLONDE-QUESTIONS-6 and we shall sample some of your responses at the tail-end of this newscast.

I hereby step aside to allow for further investigations.

HERE WE GO AGAIN

Politics, it seems to me, for years, or all too long, has been concerned with right or left instead of right or wrong.  ~Richard Armour

It is that time of the season. Our beloved politicians (please take that word 'beloved' with a pinch of salt and glass of vinegar) are at it, 'repositioning' themselves ahead of the forthcoming general elections.
Which is alright. Problem is, I cannot remember a single period since the last elections when the entire August House, the crest of politics as it were, was ever in position. That bunch has been offside from the moment one Samuel Kivuitu announced controversial election results in an even more controversial manner - while hidden at a bunker like a state witness mouthing out sensitive confessions under armed guard, with the promise of witness protection.....
What followed was a showdown between two people, promptly dubbed 'protagonists' by Kenyan media, a showdown which eventually led to the loss of at least 1000 lives, displacement of many more, a side-hustle for Koffi Annan (read peace-broker as head of Eminent Persons) and eventually the formation of a very uneasy coalition government. Well, we all know how well that government coalesced.
The coalition government brought to the fore a hitherto under-appreciated term, very familiar with civil servants but otherwise secondary to the others- protocol. The closest many Kenyans have come to appreciate the significance of protocol probably at school, where dramatic presentations were always preceded with a mandatory rendition thus; ' The Guest of Honour, honorable adjudicators, distinguished guests, ladies n gentlemen,...''
Or, for those who attended the public holidays of the Nyayo era, the timeless MC, Sammy Loui, would croon out a chronology of names and portfolio, starting from the Honorable President and his accompanying titles- EGH, MP, Commander in Chief of the Armed forces, bla bla bla, down to the common mwananchi roasting under the scorching sun on the open terraces of Nyayo Stadium, otherwise referred to as 'ladies and gentlemen'.
The significance of the noun 'protocol' made no much sense to Wanjiku, until the standoff between Vice-President and Prime Minister made it a monolith in the coalition government. For so long protocol placed the VP right behind the President. Suddenly there was a Prime Minister, who according to the Peace Accord was equal to the president in stature. The bureaucrats were left scratching their bald heads, careful not to rock the boat, the Kibaki Camp insisted Kalonzo was above Raila, the Raila Camp regarded Kalonzo as an opportunistic nonentity who should not have been part of the government of national unity in the first place.
come to think of it, Kalonzo 'alipita katikati yao'. He was not involved in all the Pre and post-election Chaos, he finished a distant third in the presidential race, became vice President by design, and lay low as the tigers fought his war. Good times.
Eventually Raila won the protocol standoff, and some semblance of peace was restored. But the loose strands of the coalition were further stretched by the acrimony generated in the post-referendum of August 2010. William Ruto's big NO to a document fronted by a government in which he was a Minister created the first real cracks. Then came the ghosts of the Post-Election violence. A mysterious envelope nicknamed 'Waki" which until then hung over the powers that be like the Sword of Damocles, was the last straw as Luis Moreno Ocampo opened the Pandoras Box. It was no longer a crack. It was a glacial movement that separated the various continental entities in government.
As is wont in Kenya, The ICC pre-trials were politicised and their main objectives dumped in the cellar. Suddenly the entire process was all about the 2012 succession. One enigmatic man was using the process to secure a highway to the House on the Hill, a politician would intimate. People who lost loved ones in the 2008 violence and whose souls were crying for justice were forgotten. The Internally Displaced persons, who lost their property, dignity and lives were only mentioned in passing. Even "Men of God" joined the fray, praying for the accused, while cursing their perceived 'enemies'. Dear Pastor/Bishop/Reverend, There is a fine line between an intercession and a loud, lop-sided opinion blared through the speaker in the format of a prayer. God have Mercy on you.
These are but some of the Litany of issues that bedeviled the coalition government. Don't even get me started on the 'fight against corruption.' That ship pulled a Costa Concordia eons ago.
And so, here we are again. General Elections are back, or around the proverbial corner as it were. I will assume that the protagonists will have the presence of mind to give us the elections in December. Political wheeler-dealing has started. New parties, or 'political platforms', are being formed right, left, and centre. The politicians are regurgitating the old promises from five years ago, and, sadly, some of us voting folk are swallowing their cud.

Take our politicians:  they're a bunch of yo-yos.  The presidency is now a cross between a popularity contest and a high school debate, with an encyclopedia of cliches the first prize.  ~Saul Bellow


Everyone is already dreaming and strategising on how to take over State House once Kibaki retires to his goat-farm in Othaya. Meanwhile, IDPs remain unsettled. The repugnant smell of corruption and impunity is still emanating from every nook and cranny of the political class. Past injustices remain unaddressed. I wont event mention that the very 'repositioning' taking place is a clear disregard of the new constitution, which they promise to protect while they are already flouting it!
It goes without saying that we will dutifully vote back the same people we are chastising now. One reason is that its unlikely that a new, deserving face will prop up and win our trust in time for the ballot.
But the real reason is that at the end of the day, we will always vote for the politician we dislike the least, or who serves our interest most, however short-sighted. Oscar Ameringer, dubbed the 'Mark Twain' of American Socialism, aptly said that Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. 
Be not fooled with a new political party. What we need is a new politician. Politics is too serious a matter to be left to politicians. Stop complaining and do something about it. I laud the likes of the late Prof. Wangari Maathai, PLO lumumba, Ringtone, John Kiarie, Mdomo Baggy and Councillor Mongolo for stepping up. It is these baby-steps that will eventually deliver a full walk. And be warned, there shall be stumbles and fumbles, a la Simon Mbugua and Mike Sonko!
Kenya needs a political revolution. However, a revolution in the political class can only be attained by an evolution of the political players. It is time for new faces to step up and challenge the status Quo. After all, it was Che Guevara himself who asserted thus; The revolution is not an apple that falls when it is ripe. You have to make it fall.
I rest my case.

HONEY, I'M (BACK) HOME

Cough! Cough! Choke! *clearing throat*. A sneeze here. Eyes tearing there. Handkerchief swats the stuffy air. The guest takes off, probably never to be seen again in that dust-infested enclosure, or hopefully to be seen again....

And that, my friend, is my imagery of what visitors to my blog have been subjected to, thanks to a tweet and Facebook comment I received from two friends, bearing an eerily similar jibe, "Feddy, your blog has gathered dust...."
And who can blame them? The last time I wrote on this blog, Africa was still reeling from Asamoah Gyan's painful penalty miss that saw the Black Stars miss out on the chance to become the first African team to make the FIFA World Cup semis. Last time I wrote this blog, Luis Suarez was only hated for the handball that denied Ghana a direct ticket to the semis in the first place. Last time I wrote this blog, Wikileaks was all the rage....
All that was back then in 2010. Since then, Gyan is no longer Africa's most talked-about striker. That, in my humble opinion, is one Demba Ba who has almost single-handedly made Newcastle United genuine Europa League Contenders. (I'm sure followers of the French League will beg to differ. Indulge by all means.) Since then, Luis Suarez is twice as hated, and this time not just by Africa, but an entire legion of dark-skinned Homo Sapiens, as well as a good number of those who do not entertain racism in any form. (thank you, Patrice Evra, for complaining. You will never walk alone...)
And is wikileaks the hot topic of the moment? Your guess is as good as mine. At this time I don't see any earth shaking discussion of the moment that matches the proportions of wikileaks. But America has its Republican Presidential Nomination campaigns, North Korea is still mourning Kim Jong-Il, China has added a ban on any form of 'western' entertainment (no, seriously. check it out) on top of Facebook, and Kenya has just released a sequel to the 2000 blockbuster "The Way of The Gun", featuring one Nancy Barasa. Ok, I might be exaggerating the latter. And as I write this, Sumatra has just been struck with an earthquake measuring 7.3 on the Richter Scale.
Since 2010 there has been so much to blog about- my transition from the Sports Desk to my exploits around the country in NTV's weekly news magazine the County Edition, The referendum, The ICC process, Railamania/Railaphobia (depending on which side of the horn you are blowing), The 'Ugly Car' showdown pitting the Vitz against the Probox, Fernando Torres, Gor Mahia, Mike Sonko, Twitter, Miguna Miguna.......the list is endless.
But what did I do all this time? I thought about it, I compiled it in my head, slept over the idea, woke up the next day to blog, made no time for blogging, witnessed another event which I'd think about, compile in my head, sleep over the idea, wake up the next day to blog,... ah well, you get my point.
That paragraph can be summed up in one word- Procrastination. It is probably why I haven't bought my own house yet. I have wasted time, which is essentially money, whose loss eventually leaves me still paying a lot of rent to one Kahiga Muigai.
As the year 2011 drew to a close, a good friend of mine, a Norwegian-based gentleman going by the name Oguda, launched his blog. I was among those he asked to comment on his debut post. Apparently he was very impressed with mine, after braving all that dust as he sifted through the archive that is feddylicious.blogspot.com. That was November 29th. Since then, has five posts already. Talk about fast off the blocks!
An avid reader in every sense of the word, Oguda's enthusiasm relit a dying ember within. I will not let this man become an avid writer too as my blog gets mummified. I am the journalist here, for chrissake!
I do not make many resolutions at the turn of the year. But this time I have three realistic ones, two inspired by this man Oguda.

1. Dust my blog. If not for me, but for the daily visitors who stoically come back hoping that this (insert noun) will wake up from his slumber and spew out another good read. 9 views today (and counting) before i posted this, 93 last month, 1,464 since I went AWOL. Never again.
2. Read more books. I earned my language stripes by reading widely, albeit novels and story books forming the bulk of my literature. Addiction for movies robbed most of that enthusiasm. I wish to start over with a book a month. Or a chapter a week. Or a page a day. Cue Joel Osteen.
2. Cut down the procrastination. Heck, mummify it altogether. If I achieve that, 2012 will bear more significance to my future than it already is. Much more significance than starting this year single again. Much more significance than my expected new contract, now that I am saying goodbye officially to the sports desk. Much more significant than the fact that this year I attain a very, very important age. Richard Branson says"screw it, let's do it". Ditto.

The process has begun, with a post that clears the dust off this blog. Long may the momentum remain.
Feddylicious is back.