Thursday, January 26, 2012

THE PARLIAMENTARY DEBATE THAT NEVER WAS

QUESTIONS BY PRIVATE NOTICE
THREAT BY SPECIAL PROGRAMS MINISTER ESTHER MURUGI TO STRIP NAKED



Mr. Shabeer: Mr Speaker, I beg to ask the Justice Minister the following question by Private Notice.
(a)
Why hasn't the Special Programmes minister been compelled to strip naked as she promised
(b) If she wont do it, why has she not been arrested for giving false information and misleading Kenyans?

Justice Minister Mutula Kilonzo: Mr Speaker, Sir, I beg to reply. As we all know, the honorable Minister For Special programs promised, or threatened if you like, to strip naked if the ICC confirmed criminal charges against Uhuru Kenyatta. Well, the ICC called her bluff and did exactly that. But it has only been a week. I propose we give her one more week to see whether she will come good....

Mr Khalwale: On a point of order, Mr Speaker.

Speaker: What is it, member for Ikolomani?

Mr Khalwale: Is the minister in order to give Esther Special treatment in the house? it is not like the ICC will reverse the decisions.

Mr Khalwale: Order, Mr Khalwale! The ICC may in fact reverse the decisions. The member for Gatundu South has indicated that he will appeal the decision to confirm the charges.

Mr Khalwale: Mr Speaker Sir, to end impunity in this country, Murugi must strip. To teach other loose-mouths in the government a lesson, Murugi must strip. to reassure the public who were misdirected into buying big-screens for the strip-tease without adequate information, Murugi must strip!
Speaker: Order, Member for Ikolomani! Proceed, minister for Justice.


Mr Kilonzo: As I was saying, Murugi should be given one more week to come good, failure to which I will appeal to the President to appoint a tribunal to investigate her conduct.

Health Minister Prof. Anyang' Nyong'o: May I ask what measures the government has put in place to ensure that the health of Kenyans is not compromised if and when the Member for Mathenge decides to strip? Kenyans could get traumatized....

Speaker: Order, honorable minister! You are the minister for Health, and indeed an integral part of the government structure, shouldn't you be asking yourself that question ?

Medical Services Minister Beth Mugo: Mr, speaker, I have put all government ambulances and and clinical officers on standby, should the people of Kenya get shocked by the sight of her nakedness, and in case some Kenyans faint in the process.

Finance Minister Uhuru Kenyatta: My ministry has also dispatched 12.5 million shillings to Murugi's Ministry. As the minister in charge of Special programs, she has initiated an operation-badilisha-wardrobe for her naked stunt. Mr Speaker, we have approved her proposal to overhaul her underwear. She shall replace her old Mothers' Union panties with sexy lingerie, at a cost of 400 000 shillings per g-string.

(applause)

Karua: On a point of order, Mr Speaker.
Speaker: What is it, member for Gichugu?
Karua: Mr Speaker, is the Finance Minister in order to use public funds to overhaul the wardrobe of a Murugi? This is a private affair!

Odhiambo: we also have our privates....
Speaker: Order! Order honorable Millie, you are out of order! Minister for Finance, you may proceed.

Kenyatta: Mr Speaker, the Honorable Murugi is a government minister. she represents the image of the government. therefore, her actions are a direct influence on the government's image and the government must take responsibility and act decisively.

Speaker: Is 12.5 million decisive enough? I though the government would be more sufficiently philanthropic.

Kenyatta: I have also set aside 5 million shillings for the hire of a secure and decent place for her to strip. Mr Speaker, we propose that Murugi conducts her strip-tease in Liddos' Discotheque, to be aired live on KBC. We have also contacted a popular porn website (name withheld) for space...

(uproar)

Speaker: Order! Order honorable Members! Can we please calm down and air our views one by one. Member for Ugenya, what is your problem?

Orengo: Mr Speaker, this is an outrage! ODM was never consulted in this matter. PNU must recognize that we are equal partners in the coalition. This is very disrespectful.

Mr. Musyoka: Will I be in order to ask for funds for round 3 of shuttle diplomacy? The international community needs convincing that this is indeed a noble act and not in any way meant to spite the ICC...

Speaker: Mr Vice President, that will not be in order. You will need to file a motion to ask for funding.

Khalwale: And how did the Finance Minister arrive at the decision to award Liddos the lucrative contract? How was the tendering done? What is the problem with other strip-clubs, for example Apple Bees or Tahiti?

Kajwang: Yes, Mr Speaker, there is no strip-o-meter! How did he arrive at the conclusion that Liddos is the best place to strip?

Kenyatta: Mr Speaker, this is an emergency. A special program. Tendering will take weeks, within which time she may be arrested for providing false information.

Mbuvi: Point of order, Mr Speaker.
Speaker: Yes, Member for Makadara?

Mbuvi: Ni aje vijanaa hawako kwa hii plot. Manze mkibuy mangodha za ngiri soo nne bila kuinclude vijanaa kwa mpango, hizo ngodha tutachoma! Vijanaa ndio majority, tunajua kustrip poa baada ua kupractise na zile song ya bend-over, get down, wezere, kila siku wasee kuchips-fungana kwa club, twitter na Facebook, experience tuko nayo kushinda wazae despite age yetu....
Speaker: Order, member for for Makadara! A point of order is not a debate!

Bifwoli: Endi why has chender palance noti peen consiteret in this tepate! iko wanaume wengi wanawesa kutoa suruali pwana!

(laughter)

Speaker: Order! Order, honorable members! Member for Bumula, you are out of order! You know the standing orders well, at this juncture you can only speak on a point of order or point of information. No one gave you permission to speak.

Bifwoli: I am chust tellingi the truth. Hata sisi wanaume tunawesa kutoanga suruali. Wakoli Bifwoli can also wear underwear worth 400 000. Mupunge msima kama mimi hawesi shinda amefaa kaptula za Gikomba! Hata uchi nitatembea, kwansa nimenyoeko....

(loud laughter....applause)

Speaker: Order! Order member for Bumula! You are out of Order!

Bifwoli: In facti nikisimama uchi, na Muruki asimame uchi apo kando, am sure nitapendeseko kumshinda.

(more laughter and applause)

Speaker: Order! Order Honorable members, order! member for Bumula, you have gone too far. That's it. I order you to leave the floor of the House immediately. Sergeant at Arms, could you please escort Wakoli Bifwoli out of this House!

Bifwoli: (walking out) Uuuuuwi! Uuuuuwi! Marende Pooole! Pole! Marende is a tikteta!!!




LATER THAT NIGHT ON PRIME TIME NEWS.....

Anchor 1. And so, on our opinion question tonight, we ask:
Anchor 2. Should Esther Murugi strip naked? I repeat, should Esther Murugi Strip naked?
Anchor 2. SMS your yes or no opinion to 6-BLONDE-QUESTIONS-6 and we shall sample some of your responses at the tail-end of this newscast.

I hereby step aside to allow for further investigations.

24 comments:

  1. great piece...ayiego!

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  2. The imagery...too nice! Ha!

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  3. hoiyee..tats a standing novation....

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  4. Quite creative and admirable execution.

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  5. that's well thot,,i liked it.

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  6. Lol! Well thought piece...but just what if it really was..as really?

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  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  8. This, ladies n gentlemen, is the post of the year. Lez give him a hearty clap, one....

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  9. creative piece, good job Feddy

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  10. This guy is creative, i could actually see the debate going on, its like i was watching the whole thing, i love it

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  11. Thehehehe mayoo mayooo. LMAO, good dose for my hectic day

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  12. So brilliantly hilarious. Hats off!

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  13. another crazy kenyan getting creative. scary thought.

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  14. Nice one....very professional too!

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  15. Standing creativity

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  16. Great piece. keep up

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  17. HA HA!
    BIFWOLI FOR PRESIDENT.
    Nonstop entertainment for Kenyans. What more could we ask for?

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  18. You fucking creative motherfucker- what you doing in employment? Get your ass out there and be the next Steve kazi/mark zuckerchieth.

    Well written Jaloka.

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